So Far Away ...

I have been trying to decide what to write on this post for a long time now. Months really. Truth is, I still don't know what I am about to write. What I do know is, my heart hurts. It's breaking, in fact. How am I supposed to come to terms with the fact that my best friend - who truly is more like a sister to me than a friend - has a daughter with aggressive, malignant, inoperable tumors in her brain and along her spine? And to top it off, her daughter is just 4 years old. Every part about this situation is wrong. I can't reconcile it. Four year olds shouldn't get cancer. Really, no one should get cancer. But a 4 year old? There just isn't any part of me that can make sense of it. Backtracking, Natalie, my best friend Jen's beautiful blue-eyed, sassy, baby-animal loving daughter has been sick for a while. It was January 2011 when she had her first seizure, which they now think was a stroke at a remote Wisconsin cabin. She was so sick, she could have died. But by the grace of God she didn't. She made it to a hospital whose staff cared for her. She made it out of the hospital, made it back home to Peoria, Ill. I got an early morning text from Jen letting me know what happened. Click here for the whole story: http://schwammys.com/year-in-review/ Her seizures became a regular occurrence. They manifested with "spitting" episodes, where Natalie would produce a thick mucus that would cause her to gag, spit and sometimes vomit. She also started experiencing sharp pains in her face and head. None of this was ok. Doctors put her on several anti-seizure medications. They would work for a while and then the seizures would come back. Doctors did MRIs, ran tests and did everything right. They diagnosed her with a rare condition that would leave her having seizures the rest of her life. While this was a terrible thought, no one knew that it wasn't the worst case scenario. I knew this was taking a toll on not only Natalie, but the rest of the family. I decided to surprise Jen by surprising her and going to see her in February. I made arrangements with her husband Brian, and I showed up in her living room. It was so wonderful to surprise her! But I soon discovered how hard things were for everyone. Natalie was really sick. By this time she was having multiple seizures a day. In the short time I was there, it was clear that this was a serious situation. But it wasn't until mid March that doctors did another MRI and discovered that Natalie's seizures were being caused by a malignant, aggressive, inoperable brain tumor that was covering her brain like a veil. Chemo and radiation just weren't an option. In late April, doctors discovered that Natalie also has tumors along her spine. Now, Natalie and Jen are in Scottsdale, Arizona, receiving treatment to help Natalie's body fight the cancer on its own since other treatments are readily available. And I am sitting in my living room in Norman, Oklahoma, feeling completely helpless. I am tired of sitting here. I have to do something. Although, I don't know exactly what it's going to be yet, I am going to be doing something. And when I do, I will probably ask you for your help. I wish I knew what Jen and Natalie or the other Schwammleins needed. But it's hard for even them to know. While I look into more ways to act, I will be praying for all of them. And I will also be praying that I become less angry at this awful situation and that I recognize the true blessings all around. And there are many. Like the blessing of Natalie and how she has shared her beautiful smile and girly spirit with me. Like the special connection I have always had with her. Like the fact Jen and Natalie found this treatment and total strangers are helping them in Arizona. Like all the prayers going up on their behalf from all around the world. Prayers for Natalie.