Please Don't Let Chivalry Be Dead

So I was reading this column on the CNN Web site today titled, "Chivalrous Moves That Creep Us Out." Before reading the column, I wondered what they could be. Maybe pre-chewing someone else's gum? Calling 50 times a day? I couldn't imagine what they might be that would warrant an article.

I have to say that I am very disappointed about the eight so-called creepy items on the list. And I say this because, I am praying that chivalry is not dead. In fact, as a mother of two young boys, I have been doing my best to teach my children to practice chivalry and politeness all the time.

By teaching my sons how to open doors for people, let ladies go first, by serving others and helping clear the table, etc., I am hoping to ingrain in them a sense of chivalry so that they will become polite, responsible gentlemen who will treat women with respect.

On my first unofficial date with my husband back in the 90s, while I was bagging on his early 80s model Datsun B210, he was politely opening the door for me to step inside. He probably won me over in that very moment. He treated me with respect, even as I was disrespecting his ride. What a nice guy.

Part of the argument that this column writer suggested was that a woman should be empowered. I would never argue that matter. But there is a huge difference between removing a woman's power and respecting who she is.

So here is the list of chivalrous things that creep out this column writer and why I don't think they are creepy.

1. Ordering my meal for me. This has always struck me as bizarro, because chances are you don't know what I want. The only time this is cool is if I have no idea how to pronounce something and you do.

What is so wrong with a man ordering for a woman? I might take issue if he didn't ask what I wanted first, but I think he is saving us a step by asking us (since most people have the conversation of, "So, what are you going to order?" before actually ordering). Also, if the man is paying, then it is a way of proving his willingness to buy your dinner. My husband has done this for me before, but we usually don't do this now. However, I almost always order for our family when we are at a drive in since it is just more simple that way. I don't think my husband finds it offensive at all. In fact, I think he would say he appreciates not having to do it.


2. Letting me win at a game of Scrabble/pool/bowling when you are clearly better. No fun! Please give it your best shot. I want the satisfaction of really beating you.

As a highly competitive person, I will say this is the only one that I might agree with. But, letting a woman win isn't what I would consider creepy. I think something more chivalrous might be is if you see that the woman is terrible at whatever it is you are doing, suggest you might do something else. Or show her how to do it, if she asks.

3. Using a code term for going to the bathroom. Especially retro words like "tinkle." You can just say, "I'll be back in a minute." I'll get it.

Does this have anything to do with chivalry? And I do think it is just polite to excuse yourself from a date or dinner or even a conversation if nature calls. Who does this? I have never heard a guy say he is going "tinkle" unless he might be 3 years old.

4. Pulling out my chair. Someone told me this tradition started when women wore loads of crinolines and, thus, scooting in your chair was difficult. That's no longer the case. It just makes me nervous that you won't push it in at the right moment and I'll land on the ground with a thud.

This one I have a beef with. There is nothing creepy about pulling out a chair for a woman. It is respectful. It also allows the woman to be seated first. It is a sign that a man is respecting and helping the woman however he can. Of course a woman can do this herself! No one would argue that. But the respectful thing to do is at least offer to help her be seated. My husband will still do this occasionally, especially if we are on a date, and I appreciate it every time.

5. Carrying my purse. Yeah, it's heavy, but I'm pretty used to it at this point. You carrying it just looks funny. I have enough of a hard time with murses.

Well, while I wouldn't consider a man carrying my purse creepy, I would consider it odd that a woman would ask a man to do this. Unless there is a very good reason (and I can't think of one at the moment) men should have to do this. However, it is nice for a man to carry other things for a woman. Grocery bags, heavy items, books, lawn chairs, ice chests, etc. all would fit into this category. And although I know we can do it ourselves, why would you turn down this help?

6. Asking my dad for my hand in marriage. So outdated. Pops just shouldn't be involved in our relationship. No one should know you want to marry them before they do.

This is the one I have the hardest time with. Why shouldn't your dad be involved in this relationship? While I know it is the right thing to do to leave your parents and cleave to your husband, I think it is a great show of respect for a woman's parents and family when a man asks permission to marry her. Anymore, when someone gets married, they are marrying much more than a person, but an entire family. If the relationship is healthy and appropriate, I would think that a father would love to have the opportunity to provide his blessing on a marriage of his daughter. I know there are obvious exceptions to this, including remarriage, the age of the people marrying and even strained relationships. But if a relationship with the soon-to-be in-laws is a good one, why not show this respect? I love the fact that my husband asked permission from my father. And he did it without me knowing it so the proposal would be a surprise. It made it all the more special to know that he cared enough to talk to my parents beforehand.

7. If you're paying for dinner, not letting me put in for tip. Or get a round of drinks after. If I offer, it's because I want to. I swear.

Well, back in my day, no one offered to pay the tip or the round of drinks. But I can't be opposed to the offer. Politely declining is one thing but being offended by a woman's offer is inappropriate. But is this creepy? I don't think so ...

8. Helping me put me coat on. This is sweet, but it's always awkward because my hand misses the sleeve or gets stuck somewhere in there. It's easier to just do it on my own.

Why in the world is this creepy? I love to have people help me put on a coat. It does not show a sign of inferiority. I know I can put on my coat. But offering to help someone out in an awkward situation should not be considered creepy. It is respectful and helpful, just as it would be if I offered to help a man out with his coat, especially if he was stuck. Let's face it, depending on how many layers a person is wearing, putting on a coat can be as tough as raking the leaves on a windy day.

So there are my thoughts. I am excited to read yours. Please post comments on this one ...