A 15-Year Path

I really want to write about what today means to me, but I am finding it hard to put into words. And if you know me, that is pretty unusual.

As you probably know, it is the 15th anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing. A coward terrorist drove a moving truck in front of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building and ran. That bomb killed 168 men, women and children.

I was 20 and working at the University of Oklahoma student newspaper. I still lived at home with my parents. I was at the scene an hour after the explosion and covered the bombing for weeks. Actually, it was months and even years. I have written about the bombing time and time again. I have written for newspapers, yearbooks and for myself.

You think I would have said it all by now. But this year, God is once again reminding me that He is still using those events to grow me and mold me to who I am and who I will be.

I could tell you so many stories from that day and the days that followed. They are burned into my memory as if they just happened. I recently did an interview about my experience and the reporter was amazed at my recall. I wasn't. Besides the day I became a Christian, the day I was married, and the day my children were born, there has been no other day or event in my life that has been as meaningful to me as the Oklahoma City Bombing.

There are many reasons that it is so meaningful. Most importantly, my search for God began through that experience, even though I didn't know that God was who I was searching for. I am proud to say that I found him some four years later.

It is also meaningful to me because of the people with whom I shared the experience: my coworkers at The Oklahoma Daily. Omar, Joy, Tiffany, Lori, Annette and many, many others poured their heart and souls into covering the stories as professionally as possible. Although we have all moved on in different directions, that event binds us in a way that I can't even describe. Although hundreds, maybe thousands, of journalists covered the bombing, there were just a few of us who were so young. We all changed because of our experience, and I would argue we all grew up because of it.

This year, however, what has impacted me the most is where I am today, 15 years later. The one thing I was sure of after covering the bombing 15 years ago is that I couldn't grow up and just be a journalist. While I love writing and reporting and covering things that are meaningful, I was left filling extremely unfulfilled from my experience of just writing about things and not helping directly.

That experience taught me something about myself. I needed to do more than write; I needed to be able to take action. I saw the way the American Red Cross responded to the disaster and thought that was my calling. After a few years more in journalism after the bombing, I went to work for the Red Cross, even working at the fifth anniversary memorial service when they opened the national memorial as a Red Crosser.

Although I loved the Red Cross and all that it did for people (and still do), that wasn't my calling. I kept looking in all sorts of places. I started to hear the call from God that I should be a counselor. That seemed out of reach. I knew I would need a Master's Degree and an entirely different education before I could do that, and life was in the way of achieving that goal.

I tried once to make it happen, and even started a Master's program. However, after taking just one class, I dropped out. I had a baby and a job in another town. It was just too hard. But God never took away that call from my life. I talked about becoming a counselor a lot to a lot of different people. My family, my friends, even my pastor. But I always had an excuse of why I couldn't do it.

Finally, this last year, God set loose a chain of events that left me with no doubt that now was the time to pursue His call on my life. I started the same program again in August and will have earned my Master's Degree in Human Relations by this August. If all goes according to plan, I will attain my alternate certification to be a school counselor, and if I am blessed, I will be a working school counselor by this August.

I am going to be a counselor. I really am. And I am going to do it because of the way God changed me 15 years ago today. He showed me a part of myself that I didn't know that I had and has used the last 15 years to bring me to where I am now.

Today, I was interning as a counselor in a middle school. And I got to have a long talk with a beautiful young lady who I care about deeply. She has had a rough past and is doing all that she can to overcome her circumstances. I was able to encourage her and love her and tell her that I believed in her. And she smiled at me. That was the perfect reward for my hard work.

She wasn't even alive 15 years ago, but God knew when the bombing occurred where I would be today and what I would be doing. And he has used every moment of my life up until now preparing me for today and for my future.

The most wonderful thing about all of this is that what was meant for evil 15 years ago has eventually turned into hope and love. A coward killed 168 people and devastated each of those families and their friends. Not to mention the devastation faced by rescue workers and all those who experience the Oklahoma City Bombing so closely.

However, the spirit of Oklahomans and the nation would not let a coward's act end there. We have worked to make the most out of a horrible situation. The result has been unity, affection, selflessness, victory and survival.

For me, it has meant that I could fulfill the call God has always had on my life and serve Him while doing so. Of course I wish that the bombing hadn't happened, but I am so grateful for all the lessons I have learned because it did.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD." - Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Am I Willing?

I have accepted the challenge through a local church to read the New Testament in 40 days. I was hesitant to do this at first because of how ridiculously busy April is in my little world. However, God has reminded me more than once that for me, being busy distracts me from spending time with Him, so I agreed.

Today was the second day of our reading, and we read a few chapters in one of the Gospels, the book of Luke. Out of all that I read today, something I read today (and have read before) has stayed with me all day. I keep turning the words over and over in my hear. In Luke 5:12-13, it says, "While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, 'Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.' Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. 'I am willing,' he said. 'Be clean!' And immediately the leprosy left him."

The first thing that impressed me was that a man with leprosy was bold enough to approach Jesus and ask for his help. People with leprosy were ostracized from their communities. They lived either alone or with other people with the same condition until the died a painful death. There was no cure. But this man, who had been cast away from his peers because of his medical condition, was brave enough to seek out Jesus and asked him to heal him.

What impressed me far more was Jesus response: "I am willing." I am willing.

That phrase has played over and over in my head today. I am willing. And I know that He is willing to help me with my needs, too. The knowing isn't the issue for me. It is the releasing of my needs to Him that is hard for me.

I can almost imagine Christ looking at me when I am in anguish over something, reaching out his hand, touching my shoulder and saying, "Michelle, I am willing to help you." I feel sure that if I saw Jesus in front of me I would let Him help me with anything and everything. We don't have that opportunity today. We have to trust in the unseen and believe that Jesus will help us.

There are so many things in my life to worry about right now. My family, my school, graduating, finding a job for next year, the kids I am working with at the schools where I am interning... and those are just the legitimate worries I have. There is a whole slate of pointless worries I struggle with.

However, the whole time I am worrying, there has been a soft voice whispering to me, "Michelle, I am willing to help you." I have held tight my grip to all that I need to let go.

So I guess the real question for me isn't, "Lord, are you willing to help me?" I know the answer to that question. The real question is, "Am I willing to let Jesus help me?"

Are you willing?