Please Don't Let Chivalry Be Dead

So I was reading this column on the CNN Web site today titled, "Chivalrous Moves That Creep Us Out." Before reading the column, I wondered what they could be. Maybe pre-chewing someone else's gum? Calling 50 times a day? I couldn't imagine what they might be that would warrant an article.

I have to say that I am very disappointed about the eight so-called creepy items on the list. And I say this because, I am praying that chivalry is not dead. In fact, as a mother of two young boys, I have been doing my best to teach my children to practice chivalry and politeness all the time.

By teaching my sons how to open doors for people, let ladies go first, by serving others and helping clear the table, etc., I am hoping to ingrain in them a sense of chivalry so that they will become polite, responsible gentlemen who will treat women with respect.

On my first unofficial date with my husband back in the 90s, while I was bagging on his early 80s model Datsun B210, he was politely opening the door for me to step inside. He probably won me over in that very moment. He treated me with respect, even as I was disrespecting his ride. What a nice guy.

Part of the argument that this column writer suggested was that a woman should be empowered. I would never argue that matter. But there is a huge difference between removing a woman's power and respecting who she is.

So here is the list of chivalrous things that creep out this column writer and why I don't think they are creepy.

1. Ordering my meal for me. This has always struck me as bizarro, because chances are you don't know what I want. The only time this is cool is if I have no idea how to pronounce something and you do.

What is so wrong with a man ordering for a woman? I might take issue if he didn't ask what I wanted first, but I think he is saving us a step by asking us (since most people have the conversation of, "So, what are you going to order?" before actually ordering). Also, if the man is paying, then it is a way of proving his willingness to buy your dinner. My husband has done this for me before, but we usually don't do this now. However, I almost always order for our family when we are at a drive in since it is just more simple that way. I don't think my husband finds it offensive at all. In fact, I think he would say he appreciates not having to do it.


2. Letting me win at a game of Scrabble/pool/bowling when you are clearly better. No fun! Please give it your best shot. I want the satisfaction of really beating you.

As a highly competitive person, I will say this is the only one that I might agree with. But, letting a woman win isn't what I would consider creepy. I think something more chivalrous might be is if you see that the woman is terrible at whatever it is you are doing, suggest you might do something else. Or show her how to do it, if she asks.

3. Using a code term for going to the bathroom. Especially retro words like "tinkle." You can just say, "I'll be back in a minute." I'll get it.

Does this have anything to do with chivalry? And I do think it is just polite to excuse yourself from a date or dinner or even a conversation if nature calls. Who does this? I have never heard a guy say he is going "tinkle" unless he might be 3 years old.

4. Pulling out my chair. Someone told me this tradition started when women wore loads of crinolines and, thus, scooting in your chair was difficult. That's no longer the case. It just makes me nervous that you won't push it in at the right moment and I'll land on the ground with a thud.

This one I have a beef with. There is nothing creepy about pulling out a chair for a woman. It is respectful. It also allows the woman to be seated first. It is a sign that a man is respecting and helping the woman however he can. Of course a woman can do this herself! No one would argue that. But the respectful thing to do is at least offer to help her be seated. My husband will still do this occasionally, especially if we are on a date, and I appreciate it every time.

5. Carrying my purse. Yeah, it's heavy, but I'm pretty used to it at this point. You carrying it just looks funny. I have enough of a hard time with murses.

Well, while I wouldn't consider a man carrying my purse creepy, I would consider it odd that a woman would ask a man to do this. Unless there is a very good reason (and I can't think of one at the moment) men should have to do this. However, it is nice for a man to carry other things for a woman. Grocery bags, heavy items, books, lawn chairs, ice chests, etc. all would fit into this category. And although I know we can do it ourselves, why would you turn down this help?

6. Asking my dad for my hand in marriage. So outdated. Pops just shouldn't be involved in our relationship. No one should know you want to marry them before they do.

This is the one I have the hardest time with. Why shouldn't your dad be involved in this relationship? While I know it is the right thing to do to leave your parents and cleave to your husband, I think it is a great show of respect for a woman's parents and family when a man asks permission to marry her. Anymore, when someone gets married, they are marrying much more than a person, but an entire family. If the relationship is healthy and appropriate, I would think that a father would love to have the opportunity to provide his blessing on a marriage of his daughter. I know there are obvious exceptions to this, including remarriage, the age of the people marrying and even strained relationships. But if a relationship with the soon-to-be in-laws is a good one, why not show this respect? I love the fact that my husband asked permission from my father. And he did it without me knowing it so the proposal would be a surprise. It made it all the more special to know that he cared enough to talk to my parents beforehand.

7. If you're paying for dinner, not letting me put in for tip. Or get a round of drinks after. If I offer, it's because I want to. I swear.

Well, back in my day, no one offered to pay the tip or the round of drinks. But I can't be opposed to the offer. Politely declining is one thing but being offended by a woman's offer is inappropriate. But is this creepy? I don't think so ...

8. Helping me put me coat on. This is sweet, but it's always awkward because my hand misses the sleeve or gets stuck somewhere in there. It's easier to just do it on my own.

Why in the world is this creepy? I love to have people help me put on a coat. It does not show a sign of inferiority. I know I can put on my coat. But offering to help someone out in an awkward situation should not be considered creepy. It is respectful and helpful, just as it would be if I offered to help a man out with his coat, especially if he was stuck. Let's face it, depending on how many layers a person is wearing, putting on a coat can be as tough as raking the leaves on a windy day.

So there are my thoughts. I am excited to read yours. Please post comments on this one ...

It's Tough Being A Kid

My 5-year-old son, Will, is quite a character. This kid has made a lot of memorable stories for us to embarrass him with someday. (Like when he spray painted yellow many parts of our backyard.)

Yesterday, though, when I was driving him to school, he said something sort of profound, especially for a five year old. To my knowledge, what he said came out of the blue. He had been quiet a couple of minutes, then came up with this:

Will: (heavy sigh) You know, Mom, it's tough being a kid.

Me: (Smiling were he couldn't see me) Oh really Will? Why is that?

Will: Cause kids make millions of mistakes.

Me: That is true, Will. They do. But it's ok.

Will: I know.

So I giggled and called a couple of people to report "the cute thing my kid just said." But then I really started thinking about it. Will was on to something here.

Kids really do make millions of mistakes. And for each one (or at least most of them) there is an adult somewhere correcting them. Or they are learning the lesson the hard way. (Like this summer when Will drank out of a cup that had been sitting outside a few days. Gross results ensued.)

The mistakes start from birth with sleep schedules. Babies often make the mistake of sleeping during the day and keeping mom and dad up all night. Until someone teaches them when they are supposed to sleep. As they grow, they learn what things they can put in their mouths and what things they shouldn't. (Like quarters. Those shouldn't go in your mouth because you can swallow them, which makes for an ER visit, more grossness, before a treasure is found a week later. Ask Will about this, too.)

They learn what words are ok to say, and what words they should say when they want something. They learn it's not ok to hit or say mean things. There is a pretty huge learning curve.

So my deep thought of the morning is this: at what point does the correction pretty much stop? When is it that adults stop correcting you? Is it different for everyone? And I know some adults still find themselves being corrected by a boss or by parents or by a spouse, etc. But for all intents and purposes, the correction has stopped and we are left to sort of figure it all out by ourselves.

And the result? Badly behaved adults. Not across the board, of course, but you know who I am talking about. The adult who says hateful things about you behind your back and then is passive aggressive to your face. The adult who yells at his/her kid at a sporting event because their kid drops a pass or doesn't make a play. The adult who doesn't recognize that the planet doesn't revolve around him/her (especially in the pick-up line at my son's elementary school). The adult who uses the family bathroom when there is no apparent reason to do so (for you Jen).

Why is it that no one is willing to correct adults? My theory is because it starts a fight. I think it is because now that we are adults, we assume we know it all. Clearly we don't. Allow yourself to be corrected. Because even as "adults" we still make "millions of mistakes."

Random Thoughts

I feel like writing this morning but I am not especially inspired by any one topic. So here are my random thoughts in no particular order.

* I got to sleep WAY in this morning. and I when I say that I mean that it is about 10:15 a.m. now and I have been up for 20 minutes. On the cool rainy Sunday morning (when I know I should be going to church) there was nothing more relaxing than lying there and listening to the rain.

* Speaking of rain, my son is supposed to play his flag football game today. I checked the Optimist Web site and they are saying the games are on. Hmmm. Maybe the sleeping in will be counter balanced by getting soaking wet at his game. I wouldn't miss it, though!

* When I got up a few minutes ago, I discovered my boys sitting side by side on the couch playing at WWII flying game on the Wii. They are saying things like, "Alert, alert! Incoming! Enemy approaching!" They are enthralled in this air combat game and working together as a team. I am strangely proud.

* I have little to say about last night's football game other than this: I think we are cursed. Three of our best players fall one by one. It is like a serial killer mystery or something. So the big question in my mind is, who is knocking off our players? The only logical thought is Texas, who really doesn't want to put an asterisk by their Big 12 championship painted in their locker room this year. I am NOT saying we are destined to lose to Texas. We can beat them any time we play them and vice versa. I am saying that they have motive. I think we should call the FBI.

* I have obviously been watching too many episodes of my new favorite late night show "Criminal Minds" as seen in the item posted above.

* I was absolutely giddy when watching the return of "Medium" to primetime television. I think this may be the first time in the last decade I have watched something on CBS. The girl who plays the oldest daughter is just really talented.

* Some of my closest friends went camping this weekend in the Wichitas. They invited me but I don't camp. I was sad they were going t0 be having fun without me until I remembered I don't think there is anything fun about camping. No temperature control, no indoor plumbing, no beds, bugs, wild animals, bad sleep, lack of refrigeration.... yeah, not my thing at all. I love them though. And I love that my boys will be able to decide for themselves if they love camping (thanks Jason and Leslie!).

* Last night I was dreaming about my Best Dog Ever Casey, who will be 11 in February. I was dreaming that he was sick and was needing to be put down. I was absolutely hysterical in my dream and actually woke up in the middle of the night panicked and crying. I love this dog so much. I can't imagine life without him. Live long and prosper, Casey!

* My academic goal today is to make a list of deadlines for the rest of the semester and to get ahead. The first half feels over at this point and now I can focus on my other papers and presentations. I am really loving school. Go figure.

* My final thought for the day is on swine flu. There are 20 kids in Will's pre-k class and six of them have missed several days because they were so sick with presumably the swine flu. I know several people who have it or who had it. I am praying for health protection and washing my hands until they are nubby. Die swine flu, die!!!!!!!!

I hope you have a great Sunday!

I've Got Problems ... or At Least an Opinion

Most people who know me know that I tend to get on my soap box once in a while. Well, maybe more than once in a while. Here are a few things that have previously inspired me to get all soap boxy:

* James Garner - who didn't ever graduate from high school because he was a trouble-maker while in school - getting a whole freaking corridor named after him in Norman. I have nothing against the guy personally, but I would like to see things like a corridor named after people who have contributed to our community. Maybe people who have done something besides be an excellent actor (which he is, especially after seeing him in The Notebook ... cried my eyes out...).

* That people said the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin's death via fish was a "freak accident." Anyone who routinely and purposefully puts themselves in harms way that often has got it coming. I mean seriously. Even if it were unusual, how unusual was it really for someone who wrestled crocodiles. (I also find it fitting that the ship in Whale Wars is called the Steve Irwin... you really want to name your ship after someone who died in the water? Isn't that kind like naming your boat the Titanic?)

* That people are so super rude when dropping off and picking up their kids at schools and don't follow the simple rules.

* Cheaters. Can't stand cheaters of any kind.

* Passive aggressiveness. In general.

There are other things that really irk me. However, I normally find myself to be amicable. Are you laughing at me yet?

I have always found myself to be someone who really hates confrontation. But lately, I have found myself the lone voice in a crazy world. Well maybe not the lone voice, but the minority for sure. And what IS crazy is that I have been embracing the confrontations head on.

In this really great weekend class I had a couple of weeks ago called "Psychosocial Aspects of Disability" we talked about lots of hot-button topics, such as assisted suicide, human genome project, abortion, Eugenics, etc. What happened in that class surprised me - sort of. I have been warned by some fellow Christ followers that my opinions on such topics would be in the minority. But I guess it surprised me how in the minority I was, and that I still spoke my beliefs.

I am sure that everyone in the class thought I was close minded for thinking that life begins at conception, and that we, as helping professionals, have a responsibility to help sustain life instead of assisting in its demise (generally speaking of course). But when I was talking, I didn't care. I know they thought I was irrational and weak minded, but the thing was is that I knew better. I have the Truth of God's Word on my side.

Ten years ago, even though I was a new Christian, I would have no more voiced my different opinion on topics like that than I would have worn orange on an OU game day. But something really cool has happened to me since then. I have grown more confident, not in myself, but in my identity in Christ. It is such a freeing feeling to know that all I have to cling to is the truth and no matter what anyone says or does, the Word of God is true.

I am beginning a study on the Gospel of Jesus Christ as written in John. This Gospel has been referred to as the spirit filled Gospel. And what that says to me is that it is truth. I am who Christ made me to be. I can stand firm in that knowledge. And I can speak my mind, even if that means people will disagree with it.

An Outside-of-Your-Body Experience

This blog won't be as kooky as it sounds. Go with me here ...

I have a friend who is pregnant and will have her first born baby in March. I was asking her to pray for me about some parenting issues, and she mentioned that the parenting thing was going to be difficult and keep her on her knees in prayer.

That is oh so true, isn't it moms and dads?

From the time your baby first makes his presence known in your womb, the worries begin. And for some of us, the worries begin before that baby ever gets there. But when you find out for sure you are pregnant, oh, mercy. Am I eating right? Was that thing I did to hard on the baby? Should I blast classical music into my womb? And a million more worries.

And then, when that baby gets here, you realize that in your whole life, you have never worried like this before. I mean, it's the first time that you ARE IT. YOU are responsible for that baby. There is no one to fall back on, except maybe the spouse. You are lucky to have friend and family support, but you are the mom or the dad, and you will always be.

You hear every sniff, cough, whimper, nestle, nudge and cry those first nights. It is enough to drive a sane well-rested person crazy. But when you are already so worried AND sleep deprived, well, May the Force Be With You. Or in my case, may My Lord Be With Me.

And you think you couldn't worry more, and then you drop off your child with someone other than you for the first time. And then you leave! How will your baby survive without you? The mystery continues, but babies do!

Here I am with a 5 year old and a 7 year old, and the worries haven't stopped, they are just new. You start to see your kiddos worry or be too hard on themselves, or you see them starting to slide down the wrong path or hang out with the wrong crowd. And now, you are sending them to school 5 days a week without you. And you have no control over their environment. It is terrifying.

The only thing that brings me comfort at this point is God. I know He is in control of my little bubble. But more than that, He is in control of my boys' little bubbles. The best I can do is make good decisions for them when I can, teach them to make good decisions for themselves, teach them about God's control and His love for them, and the pray. They have to grow up ... don't they?

I have a friend who is probably right now seeing her 19-year-old son for the first time in months. He went to Army boot camp in Georgia. When I talked to her last night, she was absolutely giddy knowing she would see him so soon. She has been absolutely tormented with not hearing from him and worrying about him.

So what this tells me is the worries don't stop, they just change. And I am ok with that. When I signed up to be a parent, a dear friend told me the best way she could describe parenthood was like wearing your heart on the outside of your body.

She was right.

Thinking of Others

I need to get up on my soap box on this one, folks. I have about had it with the way people have become completely self focused. I am done with people thinking the "system" doesn't apply to them. I am at my wits end watching everyone not follow the clear rules stated because they think they can bend the rules for themselves.

It seems as if American society has become enveloped in ourselves. And I want to say right here, I am just as guilty at this as the next person, which is probably the reason it irritates me so much.

My breaking point lately on this subject has been, of all places, in my son's school drop-off and pick-up lines. My youngest son, Will, is in pre-kindergarten this year. He goes to school from 7:55 a.m. (when school starts for everyone) and stays what is classified as a half day, so I pick him up at 10:25 a.m.

This isn't my first pre-k line experience. My older son was in the afternoon pre-k, too, so I learned how the system works a few years ago. The pre-k program was still sure to send home information with each parent about the drop-off and pick-up procedures. In fact, the school has informed EVERY family what the pick-up and drop-off procedures are. They are:

- only pre-k and kindergarten students may be picked up or dropped off in the circle in the front of the school. All others are pick up and drop off at the gym entrance. This is so the buses can pick up students in the front circle.

- when you are picking up and dropping off your students, stay in your car. This makes for a much faster transition.

There are also some unspoken rules that are common courtesy, such as take turns, no cutting, wait in line in the order you are in.

So when ALL of these rules are broken, it makes me frustrated. It is a symptom of where we are in society.

The front circle is two car widths, which provides plenty of space of pick ups and drop offs on the right side and through traffic on the left side. Instead, what is happening is against the protocol AND dangerous. Parents are stopping in the through lane while their children walk in between cars. And some of those cars are backing up, or pulling forward. I saw one parent stop in the through lane and then get out of his car to go in the building. Luckily, a teacher saw it to and sent him back to his car.

There are kids of all ages being dropped off in the pre-k and kindergarten line. I know there are some special circumstances with some of those kiddos, whether they have a disability or special permission or something. But others are just lazy.

I waited this morning 5 minutes behind a bus to drop off Will in the appropriate place. Cars pulled around me and cut off the bus. The bus tried for more than two minutes - with its blinker on - to get back into the through traffic line, but kept getting cut off by eager parents.

When I pick up kiddos, many, if not most of the parents get out of their cars to either buckle their own child in or to wait for their kids as they get out of class. I keep hoping as the year progresses this will stop. The pick-up procedures each parent got state to stay in your cars to help the line move quickly. The teachers will walk the children to the car and buckle them in. A 2-minute process takes at least 10 each day because of this right here. I do not have an issue with parents getting out of their cars to greet their kids, but if you do, don't park in the line! Park somewhere else! I had to ask two drivers to move cars parked in the through line one day so I could get my boys to the dentist on time. One of the parents wasn't even a pre-k parent but somewhere inside the building.

This is the problem: each of those people think to themselves, I'm sure, "Well, it's not THAT big of deal. I mean, I am in a hurry, this will just take a minute, and it's going to be fine." If it were just one person with that attitude, it WOULD be fine! But when everyone thinks they can be the exception to the rule, what we end up with is exactly what we have: a society filled with people who are only thinking of their own needs. Their is proof of this everywhere we look:

* Parents trying to excuse their children from homework because of athletic practices or games, or other pre-planned events.

* Parents switching around their children's teachers every year because they didn't get who they wanted.

* People who refuse to use their blinkers because they don't care if anyone knows they are turning left or not. They know, so what else matters?

* Children and adults who are taught that it is OK to cheat when they are not held fully responsible for their actions by claiming ignorance. It is the fault of the people who don't hold these cheaters accountable because it makes their own lives more difficult.

* People who park where they aren't supposed to, drive where they aren't supposed to, use their cell phones when they aren't supposed to, turn in things late, etc. Everyone has an excuse.

* People who embrace the mentality of fear and prevent their children or other important people in their lives whose opinions differ from their own. How will a child ever learn what they believe if all they hear has been filtered, sheltered, guided and watered down. Especially parents have a responsibility to teach their children right and wrong. And to learn wrong, you have to see it sometimes to really understand what it is.

* Coaches who teach their players to cheat, foul, cut corners or trash talk. This does absolutely nothing productive for anyone. These are the same people who don't appropriately discipline the discipline problems on their teams and it results in problems for everyone.

And my list could go on and on. I know what I have addressed might make you angry. And I think that is ok. We all are entitled to our opinions. But I challenge you, as I have challenged myself, to think about this topic personally. Where have you become self focused? For me, one of the ways is feeding my family dinner. I have gotten in the habit of only fixing what I like or not fixing anything at all if I am not in the mood.

I truly believe that if we all thought of others more, even just a little bit more, this world would be such a better place. There would be fewer people trying to beat the system and instead trying to help the system.

How can thinking of someone else today make a difference in your life and their life? How can thinking of someone else speak to your own family? How can thinking of someone else change the world?

The Last Day of Summer

I am cranky today.

It might be because I have no soda, bread, milk or eggs in my house. It might be because I just dropped the hair dryer on my bare foot. It might be because there was some weeping and gnashing of teeth as we got ready this morning. It might be because my kids cried and whined when had them clean up in the living room, bedroom and play room. It might be because I haven't had caffeine yet.

But it's not. I am cranky because today is the last day of summer.

Where did it go? I mean, seriously. I feel like school was out just last week and I was looking forward to all the fun things I was going to do with my kids.

Summer to me means non-stop time with my boys. And while this can be stressful and I do need a break, really this is the best. There were moments when I was ready for school to start. But, truth be told, I am not ready.

I am missing them already.

Ryan will be in second grade this year. He got a great teacher and is going to have a great year. He will turn 8 in October and I cannot believe it! He is so tall and so smart and so hysterical. He is a good balance for me. He says things to me like, when I was trying to memorize my license plate number, "You know mom, there's and easier way to do this. You could just write it down." I knew he was right, but it's not my style. I sure am a lucky mom to have him help me.

Will just turned 5 and is going into pre-k. We know and already love his teacher. He already walks into the school like he owns it. He couldn't be more excited to start school like a big boy. And he is a big boy. And he is my baby, always will be. How did this happen? How did my baby get big enough to go to school? Will keeps me laughing hysterically all the time. And even though he is in school half days, life will change for him. He will be making new friends, learning new things and generally growing up.

Man, am I going to miss the summer. I will miss the way I would wake up to little boys snuggling up against me and lying there for a while just to enjoy it. I will miss going to Frontier City or the zoo or the pool just because we can. I will miss swimming almost every day and watching the boys grow gills.

I am going to miss late nights, late mornings, park lunches, playing outside from dawn til dusk. I am going to miss not having to run here and there, to games and practices and lessons.

Mostly I am going to miss time with my kids. It seems like when Ryan gets home from school he has homework and then of course he wants to play outside. Then there is dinner and sometimes a sports practice and sometimes more homework or reading or something to swallow up our time.

I am going to miss not knowing what their days were like from first-hand experience. And you know they aren't going to tell me. "They forgot" or "nothing happened" or are too interested in other things to repeat it all to me.

I am leaving them at this big school where kids out number the adults at least 20-1 and will be praying that everything goes ok.

I am cranky because summer ends today. And even though we are all excited about starting another year, I am mourning the loss of the summer of 09.